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I'm Not Mad, I'm Just Mad That You're Mad

by Omar

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1.
Nism 01:59
I’m falling in all the holes you’ve dug for me. Im drowning in all the drinks you’ve poured for me. I can’t think aloud, no, I can’t tell you what I want to say. I can’t breathe without you, though I can’t quite remember your name. I’m yelling over this crowd, it’s way too loud. I’m choking on all the words I can’t spit out. I can’t take it, I can’t take it, I can’t say it, I can’t say it out loud.
2.
Be brave, I’m not afraid, no lying. We can walk away embraced, no need for hiding. You just need to swing the axe and start to tear this whole wall down. You took me somewhere I had never seen before, alive and jumping out my skin. Forty minutes- subway home, then two hours on the phone. You called to tell me this was “it.” With confidence I’d take this battle on, no need to wait or take our time. You throw some things away, make some space and I’ll move in to stay. Why waste another minute?
3.
Shake my head, try to keep my eyes open. Take my hand. Stop me if I start falling. Wake me up and I’ll be happy. Don’t let me fall asleep. Keep me up and I’ll be happy. Shaking from caffeine, up until sunrise again. Too tired for these dreams. Too scared to be alone in bed. It gets you in your sleep.
4.
We just smashed it to pieces, left piled on the floor. Swept them into the corner where they remain ignored. Never took the time to apologize. Never took the time to sweep it up. There’s been no contact lately. We’re both searching for clues or mutual acquaintances forfeiting news. I’m sure you’re doing just fine. I might know if I’d ever taken the time to patch it up. I hate it, having to fake it. I’m sorry for wasting my time.
5.
Disconnect my heart from hands I hold too tight, as if I’ll never feel that touch again. Never feel again. I don’t know why I think of you. In drunken nights your face comes through my head. My mind can’t seem to think it through. So I’m sorry if I get jealous. Turn my head to what I want the most, you’re on the far side of the room talking to somebody else. You don’t know why I act the way I do. I lie, I say it’s just a mood and you believe me every time.
6.
You’ve taken the liberty of letting me find out for myself. The words they never came easy anyway. With what’s left of me, I’ll hide inside until it melts. I’ll nurse my wounds. It’ll be spring soon. It never goes quite as I’ve planned. You watched me fall. You offered no hand. I taste the ground and I’ll taste it again. Pull myself up and try to stand. I’ve been wrestling with my mind, trying to take it all in stride. The world it seems falls harder every time. I’m sure you’ve been wondering what I’ve been doing with my time. Let’s just say I’ve found my way.

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released February 13, 2010

Kyle Graham recorded, mixed, and mastered the whole thing. Many thanks to him.

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Omar Philadelphia

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